Before Adam's death, those things in Life which were so important, or seemed like problems, no longer have
the same meaning in my life.
Although I am Roman Catholic, I did not practice my religion much, unless Marilena would
force me to church. But I still believed there was a God.
Although my wife pushed us to go to church, I really never wanted to, and my
boys and I would fake sleep when it was Sunday mornings so she would go off to church on her own. I don't know anything about
the bible. I daydreamed whenever I was in church, looking at my watch, thinking about work, or whatever. I did
somewhat believe in a God, but never prayed.
Having Adam do well in soccer seemed more important to me than anything else. I wish
I could take it all back. It's sad that his death has had to make me realize this new meaning in life.
When they pulled Adam's body out of the water,
and tried to resuscitate him, I knew it was too late, yet Marilena and the children joined hands with others and prayed, while
I just sat there on my own, with several feelings going through me such as; “I knew this was going to happen", I looked
to the sky and almost laughed. But another feeling came upon me when I was looking at him, after he was pronounced dead,and
laying on the river bank,he looked like he was sleeping, I said to myself, "He is now in a safer place".
I was even calm and forgiving enough not
to start beating the crap out of the lead tour guide or at least telling at him
that it was his fault, or giving him a guilt trip for his indecisiveness of not jumping in after Adam. I could have called
him a murderer, because it was truly his fault, he was in charge, we entrusted our safety to him. After Adam was pronounced
dead, the Lead Tour guide looked at me and said he was sorry, and I just nodded at him, accepting his apology. I thought he
must feel bad, and it was Adam's time to go anyway. There was no point. I was not bitter towards him, I actually felt sorry
for him.
I didn’t cry, I didn’t scream,
I remained calm. I accepted it.
However, the grim reality of his death creeped
up on me that evening. I thought my life was over. I thought of quitting work, canceling the kitchen renovations, never seeing
a soccer game for the rest of my life. I hated everything about life. Marilena thought of not going back to school.
But slowly, as we received support day by day
from family, friends and strangers, co-workers,and even more special ,Adam's friends, and as I started to put together
some of the “signs” before his death, I felt there must be some connection to his death and maybe there is a God,
who needed someone like Adam to help him and a God who brought the goodness out of these people to help us in our time of
mourning.
My faith was cemented for good during the funeral
mass. The funeral mass was so uplifting as I felt a strong sense of peace and happiness .I remember this rushing feeling enter
my body and as I took a deep breath the feeling of happiness and peace entered my body. I could vision Adam, entering heaven,
into a peaceful world, a better place. Marilena felt this same rush, and at one point we looked at each other and smiled.
At the funeral mass I got up to say a few thankyou’s
, and slipped in a few words about Adam. Days before when I told Marilena that I wanted to speak at the church, she questioned
whether or not I would hold up and not break down crying. I knew I would have the strength to do it, I felt Adam’s strength
in me, Adam the warrior as I used to call him.
Little did I know that my speech would impact
so many people . Many people came up to me afterwards and thanked me for the speech and making them re-think what life is
all about. They admired my strength to be able to speak in from of just under 900 people, at my son’s funeral.
Here is a copy of my speech.
I would like to invite everyone to the Parish Hall
after the cemetery for some snacks and beverages which is being put on by the ladies auxiliary.
I Just have a few Thank you’s
While in the airport in the D. R waiting for our return
flight home, I started writing down a list of people to thank. Little did we
know how enormous this list would grow once we got back home.
Marilena and I are overwhelmed at the support we have
received from Family and friends from people we have never met before and the whole community.
However, because the list is so long, I will only stick
to the list of thank you’s I wrote while in the airport.
Ed and Ruth Ann , the first people we contacted about
Adam’s death because we did not know what to do being in a foreign country. They guided us along the way.
My boss Carmen, now an adopted family member , for
sending some of our relatives and friends to the Dominican to spend time with us in mourning while we waited for Adam’s
to be returned to Canada.
Carmen also spearheaded the quick return of Adam
to Canada, otherwise we would still be in the Dominican today.
We want to thank our new found friends we met while
in the Dominican from various parts on Ontario,
who became our family in a time of mourning. Many of them visited the funeral home and others are here today.
We want to thank the Wall family for
taking care of Nicolas and Livia while we were at the hospital with Adam and for always making themselves available to us.
We especially want to thank their daughter Mia, who
risked her life trying to save Adam , jumping into the turbulent water when she
had a fear for water.
Marilena and I always felt there was something special
about Adam, something spiritual. Adam and I were so attached to each other that I had this strange reason I would lose him
some day. I spent more time with Adam than Nicolas or Livia and now I know why. Nicolas
and Livia, I am so sorry, but now I hope you understand why.
I have no regrets. Adam and I lived every day to the
fullest.
If there is one message I could give all you parents,
life these days is just so fast, please slow down, take a deep breath and live every day to the fullest.
Marilena and I always loved to kiss Adam on the side
of the head while smelling the side of his head. His head was always so warm.
Tonight, please kiss your child on the side of the
head and tell your child that it was a kiss from Adam.
Thank you.
The entire funeral process was a grand celebration
of Adam’s life on earth. The tribute room in the funeral home had photos, trophies, pictures, a power point musical
presentation, hockey stick, etc etc. The honour guard by his hockey and soccer team mates, and Adam's future high school at
the funeral mass was so touching to me, Father Peter's homily and so on.
An e-mail from one of our close friends sums
up best the funeral celebration on January 12, 2005. Here it
is:
We cannot express how absolutely honoured we are to
be part of your family. You are an inspiration to all those who were fortunate enough to
celebrate Adam's life with
you these past few days. It was an amazing tribute to Adam. He accomplished so much in such little time.
On
January 12, 2005, we truly were witness to God's greatness. His
presence was so powerful. Marilena and Andrew, I do not know if you
realize
it, but you were messengers of God. Your strength, courage and
compassionate manner towards all those who came to
honour Adam was
insurmountable. As we sat helplessly and felt your pain
with each guest
who paid their respect, we noticed a miracle at work. You never once
failed to remind those who mourned, about the full life that Adam had
lived. "Please take time
to go and see Adam's memory room," were your
instructions. You are proud
parents of a beautiful boy who was called to
be with Jesus.
Looking down from heaven, Adam must have been thrilled at the countless
people
who showed up for his celebration of life.
The valor that was displayed by the opposing rows of Adam's teammates
in
their team jerseys,
the naive of the church framed with lit candles
held by secondary
students,
the music ministry,
classmates, teachers, coaches, friends, family, strangers gathering
from
all over,
plaques, memorabilia and endless trophies and photographs
that filled
Adam's memory room,
power point presentation set to the most
heart felt music,
the angel wings that adorned Adam's name,
readings chosen,
words spoken in the homily,
doves
released to soar the heavens,
the atmosphere - painfully heart wrenching yet celebratory of a life
although short,
well lived....
And a family who could not have done any more, were all indescribable and unforgettable.
Adam's
celebration was a spiritual retreat. Adam will be missed, yet
Adam's smile and memory will live on forever and the
message that was
received by all, and so eloquently delivered by Andrew with such courage
and devotion - make time -
was a spiritual awakening.
Even in our busy schedule...make time, make time to hug, to smile, to
share laughs, to live
life, to kiss your child on the side of the head.
This is Adam's message delivered by his loving parents to an endless
gathering
of people.
Marilena and Andrew....we thank you for enriching our lives with
your
devoted friendship and for opening our eyes to what truly is important.
May
God Bless You Always,
I was talking to one parent about 5 weeks after
Adam’s death. She said to me, “do you ever ask the question, why me?” I told her I never asked that
question. That is a selfish question to ask. I told her children die in this world every day, and if I ask that question “why
me?” that means I want someone else’s child to die, that means I prefer your child to die instead of mine. Children
die every day, so why not me?
I truly believe Adam is in a better place,
a safer place and we will meet some day. I truly believe he is watching over us.
Adam’s death has brought out the best
out of people already. Friends of friends and relatives of friends all have gotten to know each other. I feel that the attendees
at my son’s funeral have become one big family. One our friends said that the funeral and my speech has brought families
closer together and brought the entire community together.
The sadness on his classmates and teammates
faces touched me deeply. Some of his classmates hug Marilena everytime they see her. I know they are in pain too.
I have lost my child, but I feel that I have
inherited 30 more children…I love them all and hope they all do well in life.
A 13 year old boy, brother to one of Adam’s
soccer team mates wrote this lovely poem that was on display at the funeral home:
The Game of Life
He was young
His life had just begun
All of a sudden it was taken away
We
didn't even get to say the things we wanted to say
When we are born we are placed on a board game
Moving up a space each year
When we reach the finish… all the pain is lost
When we see someone finish before us… all the pain is added
We need to make all our moves on the board worthwhile,
Cherishing every moment we spend,
He was an excellent player at this game,
With every space advanced, brought new joy about.
Even though he is finished his game here,
There is still yet another game ahead of him,
Waiting to be beaten,
Beaten by us and him
He has gone forever from our level,
But is waiting for us at the next,
For now we can see him in our hearts,
And he can see us, through his.
Now it’s time to remember Adam,
As a role model to finish this game,
Not to stop now…
And be finished by it.
Our happiness and strength will give him the power.
Material things that I valued when Adam was
alive no longer have value, or at least have less value.
I have started to pray every night ever since the priest at Adam's second mass, 3 weeks after his death, said
in his homily, "we don't pray for Adam, we pray to Adam".
Our mourning process was very unusual. Adam’s
death happened the 3rd day into our vacation. Because of the lengthy process to get his body transported back to
Canada , we had to finish the rest of our 7 day vacation at
Jack Tar Village, amongst happy vacationers, loud music, games and fun. Marilena did not want to leave the Dominican knowing
that Adam was still there. We could not just sit in our rooms and cry. We had to live out the rest of our vacation, especially
for Nicolas and Livia. We had drinks at the bar, Nicolas and Livia wanted to go to the beach, so we took them. They wanted
to participate in games so we let them. It was tough, but we did it for them.
The first night, the 4 of us laid in bed together
crying. Livia was the big woman, trying to comfort us, saying that we will get through this, that Adam is watching over us
and he is in our hearts. Nicolas then said he would name his first son after Adam, then he broke down and cried.
I taught Nicolas how to play table tennis.
He got pretty good at it. We played pool and foosball.
Our new found friends in the Dominican from
various parts of Ontario became our family.
Eating breakfast, lunch and dinners, just the
4 of us was very difficult. I cried every meal time. I said” we are now a family of four” and Livia replied”
no we are not, we are still a family of five”. She is such a lady.
Several times I walked the beach alone and
stared out into the ocean and cried, the same ocean that just a few days
ago Adam was body surfing in and digging his hole.
This was an unusual beginning to the mourning
process away from home, away from family. Maybe this helped, to be alone, away from everything, rather than jumping right
into a funeral while still in the state of shock.
Something has given us strength to get through
this. Yes we have our moments, we cry hard, we look at his pictures and most painful of all we watch videos, where we can
see him in action and hear his voice.
We were laughing with friends and family days
after Adam’s death. We have tried to make some sense of it. We both feel the spirituality of the event. While some
people may give up on God and loose faith, Marilena and I have gotten stronger. I figure if you no longer believe in God as
you did before a tragedy, then you never really believed in God at all. You were using God for your own good selfish reasons.
If you believed in God then you must take the bad with the good, and one day you will know all the answers.
On January 15th, Marilena and I
and the kids visited Adams class mates and talked to many of his friends. They showed us the walls
of Adam’s memory they made. Giamarco asked me if we would see their hockey game tomorrow. I said of course I would. Marilena asked Justin to score a goal for Adam. Nothing like putting a little pressure
on the poor kid.
The next day Marilena and I went to Adam’s
hockey game. I greeted his team mates as they walked on to the ice. They were wearing black arm bands and a sticker on their
helmet with Adam’s initials on them. The week before Adam’s team and their opposition played the entire game without
a left winger in honour of Adam.
Justin got his goal for Adam and looked over
to us and gave us the thumbs up. Giamarco scored also and he told me after the game it was for Adam. The team played with
the most heart I’ve ever seen and won their first game in a long time, against the first place team 8 -7. There
were some close calls in the dying minutes when the other team hit 2 posts; maybe Adam put those posts in the way.
On February 26th, Marilena and I
went to see Adam’s hockey team play again. After the game his coach caught me off guard and asked me to come into the
change room to speak to the kids. I wasn’t prepared but I felt I needed to. I told the kids I had seen a great improvement
in their play since last game that they are playing with heart, that if they keep playing this way, they will do fine in the
playoffs. I told them I will see
their playoff games, and maybe a regular
season game or two before then. A few kids acknowledged me with either a nod or a smile. As I walked out Justin held out his
hand for me to shake. I could feel Adam looking down and smiling.
On February 28, Niagara University held a special
mass for Adam, attended by Marilena's classmates, professors and the Dean of Education. I was given the chance to speak about
Adam since none of these people knew him. I told them the Ball hockey, kitchen fire, meat eating and lent stories.
We watched Adam's hockey team get eliminated
from the playoffs. They tried so hard, but lost 3-1. Still wearing thier black arm bands and Adam'sinitials on thier
helmets. This was another sad moment, like another peice of Adam died. Never again will we see the same players together
again. This was the end of Adam's ice hockey team.
God has taken Adam for a good reason. Adam
possessed some very special and spiritual qualities, something that God needed more in heaven than he needed on earth. I believe
God has some pretty important missions for Adam, maybe he needs Adam to help him with the Tsunami victims, the children who
died by the wave. Maybe Adam is coaching a soccer team of little Tsunami kids.
I believe that Adam is looking down on
us and smiling at us every day and he is hoping that we don’t give up and that we continue to keep living every day
to the fullest. I beleive that Adam wants his friends and teammates to continue to remember him as he watches them grow up,
and he wants them to be kind and loving to one another.
